They tell you to fly

They do

They say there’s no place for your kind in this world

You can’t lie low and be seen

You can’t hold your hands awkwardly and at jutted angles

The world needs confidence, it reeks of it. The world wants your voice out, it wants you to scream

It wants you to be free!

Take the jump they say

Break out of the box, break out of all those hands and forces that hold you down

Those forces that make you look away from a fixed gaze, from the eyes that stare, from all the faces on the walkway and all the eyes sitted in the crowd

waiting

To hear you

Your voice falters

This is not freedom.

There’s no place for your kind in this world. And if there is it’s probably not the best place

You must learn or at least condition yourself to be free

But this is not freedom

I try to tell myself it’s definitely different. What’s “best” is different for all of us.

Freedom is a queer house in the woods, unassuming. Freedom is a threadbare sweater, freedom is home brewed coffee, freedom is under the moon and the stars, freedom is sitting quietly with someone someplace, maybe not talking, maybe just feeling, maybe just watching the sun rise. Freedom is reading about Spirits from Ben Okri’s book and mistakingly smearing it. Freedom is not necessarily in the limelight, it’s not necessarily the distance away from home. Freedom is in fact home for some of us.

And if there is a place for us in this world, I promise I’ll find it, the best place. I’ll find it in my quiet stubborn way. God help me..

Inspired by true events:

I saw a friend I hadn’t seen for 4 years today. He came for a Law conference in my school. I saw him pass by where I was sitted, I wasn’t sure it was him but with all the courage in me I texted him to confirm. And yaay it was him and with more courage I asked if I could say hi for a moment. We did meet and in the process he mentioned and said I haven’t stopped been shy, he mentioned my hands, how they still try to close up awkwardly (p.s I don’t always know what to do with my hands) and he said I need to learn to be “confident” to work out in life. And I, not in exact terms, promised him I’d find a way…but it was nice to see him.

Yesterday I was asked to come out and give feedback for my team in AIESEC. I said no. (p.s one reason I joined AIESEC was to learn to address a crowd, I guess I can, but I’d rather rather not, it’s not the most liberating thing for me to do, except I’m prepared for it). The person who asked seemed a bit dissapointed and promised me I’d speak at the next session 😏 he said he just doesn’t get it…

Earlier this week, a lecturer in my class caused some terror in my heart when he started making people talk and offer spontaneous answers 😁 I know he was preparing us for the world, I made myself understand that.

I know this is probably something to work on, but I think it’s also ridiculous to want to be something you’re not, to not be comfortable in your skin, to think this here, is not how I should be. Who says what should be, who governs these ideas of appropriateness? Lol maybe when I come to terms with this, maybe, just maybe you’d see me giving speeches I actually imagine doing this, I look at people talk and I’m like how do y’all do this?! and also maybe without too much thought, I’ll go all the mile to visit people around the world. Till then, ❤